This month in 10 Steps to Loving Your Body, we focus on our ability to listen to our body. This can be a radical concept for many of us, as we are so used to listening to our minds’ ideas about what our body needs. Our minds have ordered us to eat low-carb diets, macrobiotic diets, low-fat diets, and eat-a-rock-a-day-diet (just joking!), never once listening to our body to see if that’s what it really needs. Our minds have demanded that we run 10 miles a day, work out when we were sick, and stuff ourselves to extreme discomfort, totally disconnected from any warning sensations from the body. Often when we have listened to our bodies, we’ve chosen to ignore its messages, as they haven’t matched what our mind really wants. We don’t want to know that our body is exhausted because we’d have to slow down. We don’t want to hear that our body is full because we want to eat whatever we want.
When we don’t listen to our body, we lose contact with a vital relationship in our life. Not listening allows us to neglect, abandon, and abuse our body, leaving us exhausted, malnourished, and sometimes sick. Can you see how much pain and suffering this has created?
After many years of struggle, I have learned that listening to the body is the only way out of suffering, as only the body truly knows what its needs are. Our minds don’t have to “figure out” the latest diet or exercise fad. We don’t have to count calories, go on the scale twice a day, and know what we will eat a week from now. Our bodies will tell us exactly what we need if we are willing to listen in the moment. And if we are willing to act upon what we hear, we move towards peace and a healthy body.
Let’s imagine a day when you listen to your body and follow its messages. You wake up alert and refreshed because you went to bed when you were tired. You check in with your body’s hunger level throughout the day, eat when it’s hungry (but not waiting till you are famished) and stop when it’s slightly full. You listen to its need for movement and hear that it wants to feel strength, so you lift some weights (or it could want movement so you do yoga; or it might long for strenuous activity, so you take a run; or it might just want rest, so you take a day off). As your listening practice becomes stronger, you notice when your body needs to move positions in the chair that you sit it in all day; what parts of your body need to relax due to tension; and what emotions want to be felt so that they don’t have to be held by your body. The more you listen, the better you feel.
If listening can bring us so many gifts, why is it so hard to listen? Your ability to listen is a direct result of the kind of listening you experienced growing up as you internalized your family’s listening skills and made them your own. How were you listened to as a child? Did people take the time to sit down with you, to give you time and space, curiosity and clear intent that they wanted to hear you?
Growing up in a chaotic family environment, my primary caretakers did not have the time, desire, or energy to listen to me. This led me to shut down my own listening abilities, especially when the object of my listening did not communicate clearly. I’ve always envied those mothers who knew how to differentiate between their babies’ cries. “Oh, this is an ‘I need to change my diaper cry,’” they say, rushing to their diaper bag. Or, “my baby’s hungry, or my baby’s tired, I can hear it in the crying.” I was one of those mothers who had no clue what each of those cries were and who tried three different things in the hopes of finally hitting pay dirt. It was the same with my body. I could not tell when my body told me that it was tired or hungry or full. The Body, like the child, is not always clear with its communication. It sometimes speaks symbolically, often quietly, and sometimes confusingly. I did not know how to really listen and ended up hurting my body for years.
As I learned to listen, I uncovered three levels of listening. Check in with yourself to see where you are now and what you can work toward:
• Level I: You don’t listen to your body and let your mind, the outside-in, make the decisions for your body. This can lead to much pain and suffering. I lived in Level I for years with my eating disorder.
• Level II: You start to listen but don’t necessarily want to hear what your body has to say. This leads us to interrupt, build our defenses instead of listening, and find all kinds of ways to not really hear. Many of us stay stuck at this level, not just with our bodies but with others as well.
• Level III: You’ve learned to listen deeply and let what you hear impact the choices you make. This does not mean that you have to always act upon what you hear. There are times that it’s just not possible to take a rest if your body tells you it’s exhausted, for example, or to eat if your body tells you it’s hungry. It does mean, however, that you have fully listened, taken the information into consideration, and then made the most loving choice available at your disposal.
It is important to know that listening is a process, as are all the other relational skills. Will you ever be a perfect listener? Maybe, for a few moments, from time to time. Be kind and patient with yourself and know that practicing this skill will heal not only your relationship with your body but other relationships as well.
In each column, I offer short-term exercises for you to practice throughout your day and long-term exercises for you to practice in dedicated, longer periods of time. I strongly encourage you to use a journal to be a witness to your process and to truly take the time to explore these exercises. They will change your life.
Short-term Exercise
Pick a listening skill that you struggle with in regards to your body. It could be listening to its hunger, its fullness, its need for rest, its need for exercise…This month, carry your journal with you and practice listening to your body’s messages, writing down what you hear regardless of whether you follow through on the message or not. I find that setting a schedule of listening works best as our lives can get so busy. For example, check in with your body at wake up time, 10:00 a.m., 1:00 p.m., 4:00 p.m., 7:00 p.m., and 10:00 p.m.
As an example, this is what it might look like if I am practicing listening to hunger:
• Wake up time (6:00 a.m.): On a level of 1-10 (10 being most hungry), I am at a hunger level of 7
• 10:00 a.m.: Hunger level of 4
• 1:00 p.m.: Hunger level of 9
• 4:00 p.m.: Hunger level of 4
• 7:00 p.m.: Hunger level of 7
• 10:00 p.m.: Hunger level of 3
If you want to really challenge yourself, practice a different skill every week. I might be listening to my body’s fullness level a second week, its need for rest another, and its need for movement the fourth.
Long-term Exercises
1. Explore how you were listened to in childhood and journal your impressions. Were there different listening styles from different family members? Take the time to get quiet and see if any memories come up. Do you remember a time when you weren’t listened to? A time when you were? Do you remember how either felt?
2. Compare and contrast how you listen today, to yourself, to your body, and to others. Is your listening style similar to what you grew up with? Where is it different?
3. How do you react when what your body has different needs than your mind’s? Do you ignore what you hear? Do you give up what you want? Again, correlate this to your childhood experiences.
This month in 10 Steps to Loving Your Body, we focus on our ability to listen to our body. This can be a radical concept for many of us, as we are so used to listening to our minds’ ideas about what our body needs. Our minds have ordered us to eat low-carb diets, macrobiotic diets, low-fat diets, and eat-a-rock-a-day-diet (just joking!), never once listening to our body to see if that’s what it really needs. Our minds have demanded that we run 10 miles a day, work out when we were sick, and stuff ourselves to extreme discomfort, totally disconnected from any warning sensations from the body. Often when we have listened to our bodies, we’ve chosen to ignore its messages, as they haven’t matched what our mind really wants. We don’t want to know that our body is exhausted because we’d have to slow down. We don’t want to hear that our body is full because we want to eat whatever we want.
When we don’t listen to our body, we lose contact with a vital relationship in our life. Not listening allows us to neglect, abandon, and abuse our body, leaving us exhausted, malnourished, and sometimes sick. Can you see how much pain and suffering this has created?
After many years of struggle, I have learned that listening to the body is the only way out of suffering, as only the body truly knows what its needs are. Our minds don’t have to “figure out” the latest diet or exercise fad. We don’t have to count calories, go on the scale twice a day, and know what we will eat a week from now. Our bodies will tell us exactly what we need if we are willing to listen in the moment. And if we are willing to act upon what we hear, we move towards peace and a healthy body.
Let’s imagine a day when you listen to your body and follow its messages. You wake up alert and refreshed because you went to bed when you were tired. You check in with your body’s hunger level throughout the day, eat when it’s hungry (but not waiting till you are famished) and stop when it’s slightly full. You listen to its need for movement and hear that it wants to feel strength, so you lift some weights (or it could want movement so you do yoga; or it might long for strenuous activity, so you take a run; or it might just want rest, so you take a day off). As your listening practice becomes stronger, you notice when your body needs to move positions in the chair that you sit it in all day; what parts of your body need to relax due to tension; and what emotions want to be felt so that they don’t have to be held by your body. The more you listen, the better you feel.
If listening can bring us so many gifts, why is it so hard to listen? Your ability to listen is a direct result of the kind of listening you experienced growing up as you internalized your family’s listening skills and made them your own. How were you listened to as a child? Did people take the time to sit down with you, to give you time and space, curiosity and clear intent that they wanted to hear you?
Growing up in a chaotic family environment, my primary caretakers did not have the time, desire, or energy to listen to me. This led me to shut down my own listening abilities, especially when the object of my listening did not communicate clearly. I’ve always envied those mothers who knew how to differentiate between their babies’ cries. “Oh, this is an ‘I need to change my diaper cry,’” they say, rushing to their diaper bag. Or, “my baby’s hungry, or my baby’s tired, I can hear it in the crying.” I was one of those mothers who had no clue what each of those cries were and who tried three different things in the hopes of finally hitting pay dirt. It was the same with my body. I could not tell when my body told me that it was tired or hungry or full. The Body, like the child, is not always clear with its communication. It sometimes speaks symbolically, often quietly, and sometimes confusingly. I did not know how to really listen and ended up hurting my body for years.
As I learned to listen, I uncovered three levels of listening. Check in with yourself to see where you are now and what you can work toward:
• Level I: You don’t listen to your body and let your mind, the outside-in, make the decisions for your body. This can lead to much pain and suffering. I lived in Level I for years with my eating disorder.
• Level II: You start to listen but don’t necessarily want to hear what your body has to say. This leads us to interrupt, build our defenses instead of listening, and find all kinds of ways to not really hear. Many of us stay stuck at this level, not just with our bodies but with others as well.
• Level III: You’ve learned to listen deeply and let what you hear impact the choices you make. This does not mean that you have to always act upon what you hear. There are times that it’s just not possible to take a rest if your body tells you it’s exhausted, for example, or to eat if your body tells you it’s hungry. It does mean, however, that you have fully listened, taken the information into consideration, and then made the most loving choice available at your disposal.
It is important to know that listening is a process, as are all the other relational skills. Will you ever be a perfect listener? Maybe, for a few moments, from time to time. Be kind and patient with yourself and know that practicing this skill will heal not only your relationship with your body but other relationships as well.
In each column, I offer short-term exercises for you to practice throughout your day and long-term exercises for you to practice in dedicated, longer periods of time. I strongly encourage you to use a journal to be a witness to your process and to truly take the time to explore these exercises. They will change your life.
Short-term Exercise
Pick a listening skill that you struggle with in regards to your body. It could be listening to its hunger, its fullness, its need for rest, its need for exercise…This month, carry your journal with you and practice listening to your body’s messages, writing down what you hear regardless of whether you follow through on the message or not. I find that setting a schedule of listening works best as our lives can get so busy. For example, check in with your body at wake up time, 10:00 a.m., 1:00 p.m., 4:00 p.m., 7:00 p.m., and 10:00 p.m.
As an example, this is what it might look like if I am practicing listening to hunger:
• Wake up time (6:00 a.m.): On a level of 1-10 (10 being most hungry), I am at a hunger level of 7
• 10:00 a.m.: Hunger level of 4
• 1:00 p.m.: Hunger level of 9
• 4:00 p.m.: Hunger level of 4
• 7:00 p.m.: Hunger level of 7
• 10:00 p.m.: Hunger level of 3
If you want to really challenge yourself, practice a different skill every week. I might be listening to my body’s fullness level a second week, its need for rest another, and its need for movement the fourth.
Long-term Exercises
1. Explore how you were listened to in childhood and journal your impressions. Were there different listening styles from different family members? Take the time to get quiet and see if any memories come up. Do you remember a time when you weren’t listened to? A time when you were? Do you remember how either felt?
2. Compare and contrast how you listen today, to yourself, to your body, and to others. Is your listening style similar to what you grew up with? Where is it different?
3. How do you react when what your body has different needs than your mind’s? Do you ignore what you hear? Do you give up what you want? Again, correlate this to your childhood experiences.
It's lunchtime and I have listened well enough to my body to know that I am hungry. I start fantasizing about the different lunches available to me. I could have a tortilla with turkey and cheese and avocado. I could have a salad with turkey and avocado. I have a gluten-free pizza in the freezer or I could see if there are any leftovers in the fridge.
I suddenly stop and realize that I have not asked my BODY what it wants and needs!!!! In all the work that I teach, I talk about listening to your body, treating it as a partner with whom you are in relationship. I talk about the process of give and take, seeing what you want, seeing what the body wants, and then finding a way to make it win/win for both. But I HAVEN'T DONE THAT! I haven't listened and soon realize that I don't WANT to listen!! I don't want to take the time to ask my body what it wants and don't want to find out what it is anyway, as I want to eat what I want to eat regardless of what my body tells me.
Twenty years of experience (and some shame as I teach this work!) tells me that not listening to my body's needs can often result in much suffering. I will overeat, undereat, not meet my body's nutritional requirements and end up exhausted, will obsess, overthink, and so on...So I need to challenge myself and take the time and space to listen.
I get quiet and close my eyes and ask my body what it needs. At first, I get nothing not necessarily because it's not speaking but because I clearly don't want to know so I am blocking any information that might be coming my way. I ask again, this time, trying to actually genuinely listen. Nothing again. I feel my hunger but that's about it. Again, I check to see if I am really listening and realize that I am still not. Aarrgghhh. Finally, I connect to how my body is FEELING, in the present. Is it grounded or ungrounded? Does it need fast energy? Is it feeling lethargic? As I keep asking these questions, an image of my gluten-free tortilla pops into my head and FEELS good. The turkey and cheese also show up as a picture and feel good as well, like my body will truly benefit from them. It's like I'm getting a sensation of how I will feel after eating those foods and my body just feels better. It feels right.
I'm off to eat my lunch. I'm so grateful that the information came from my body and not from my head, as I would have forever doubted if I made the "right" choice (according to my latest mind rules). I will trust my body, check in in an hour or two, and keep refining my listening abilities as I move along this process.
Let me know how you listen to your body!
